It was the snowy owl I wrote about at the beginning of the year and now, about halfway through (I feel as if I just blinked!). I’m watching a different bird: a vibrant yellow Great Kiskadee, diving into the pool repeatedly for a dip here in Costa Rica — a trip I planned just two weeks ago.
At the beginning of the year, I set some intentions; why not take a moment to rest on the cushion of these past six months and reflect: How did some of those hopes pan out?
One of those was the intention to savor the simple joys within daily life. I recognized that this often leads to gratitude, a powerful force in my life.
Action News Now might not pick this up, but I’m thrilled to report that this savoring is happening and will continue. Sometimes it’s just sitting on my patio in the morning with a cup of coffee and gazing at the surrounding leafy trees. Meeting a cat on a neighborhood walk who bounds over to greet me, perhaps sensing I like cats? Using a blow torch for the first time on the finishing touches for a Toasted S’mores cake a friend encouraged me to bake for a fundraiser. And yes, creme brulee is next!
Then there was my mighty resolution to avoid getting offended. I felt I was doing pretty well at that. Until I wasn’t. Sometimes in the midst of intense challenges in relationships, I think my aim to handle things perfectly doesn’t quite work out.
After a person I cared about wrote something unexpected that hurt me deeply, I responded with a letter that was…well, kind of mean. I justified it with the thought that this person is acting so indifferent towards me he couldn’t possibly be hurt by anything I say in response. I ignored the fact that my intention to avoid offense and process getting over hurt in a healthy way was a fail.
There were probably three things that nudged me to step back out, risk getting hurt again, and apologize.
First, I realized that I’d written columns for this paper that pointed to the power of relationships and forgiveness and avoiding the snare of offense. I’d been a hypocrite, I realized.
The second nudge was while watching episode one of season three of “The Chosen” where Jesus is talking about resolving rifts in relationship and apologizing to those we may have offended as part of his Sermon on the Mount. Truth be told, I immediately thought of my letter. I didn’t feel condemned, but thought, “I think that part in the show was for me.”
The third was a week-long retreat hosted at a Franciscan monastery in the mountains of Malibu. This ended up being transformational for me in the way I became even more grounded in the reality of the main purpose in life: to receive love and to give it. I might (or might not) experience a satisfying career or achieve other types of goals, but when I take a deep dive into the most important dream for my life, that’s it.
I wish I could have spoken to this person and said sorry that way. However, that wasn’t possible. Thanks to technology, I was able to record my apology and send it –sometimes texting or emailing just doesn’t cut it when you need the other person to hear your tone. I can’t say that everything has been resolved in a neat package; what I can say is that I’ve learned a lot and I feel a dozen times lighter for untangling from that burden of offense and choosing to say sorry even when it wasn’t easy and I could have been hurt further.
It’s funny how the people we let in and that we vow we could never hurt are the ones we direct our cruel words towards. So, halfway through the year, I’m reminded: I’m human. If you’re reading this, you probably are, too. But the wonderful thing about our journeys if that even when we make mistakes, we can learn from those and set out to repair.
A Blue Morpho butterfly just fluttered by, large and luminous, as if inviting me to continue discovering awe and wonder in the beauty of the world and people around me — for the rest of the year, and beyond.
You can email Katie Posey at teachingbeyondthebooks@gmail.com.
