DEAR CAROLYN: Maybe as both an advice giver and a mother yourself you can answer this. Is it typical for moms to complain about no one helping them with housework, then, when someone does do something, to chase them off and/or criticize how they do it?
Mom’s been doing this for years. She’ll complain no one helps her, but God forbid anyone tries. Then it’s, “I’ll do it!” or “You did this all wrong” — even though we got the job done just as well if not better, we just didn’t do it her way. No amount of telling her how discouraging it is when she puts us down after we try to help gets through to her.
Have to Ask
DEAR HAVE TO ASK: You don’t need a mother or an adviser for this, you need a control-freakist. (Think exorcist but without the beads.)
When you’re mystified by someone’s behavior, it can help to look at what the person achieves with it. Your mother cries for help but then does things to ensure she doesn’t get any. On the surface it makes no sense.
Dig deeper, though, and I think your shovel will scrape something interesting. She apparently doesn’t want help, or else she’d accept it gratefully. Right? Nor is she trying to get everything done exactly her way, because she could achieve that more effectively by guiding her helpers — or by doing everything herself from the beginning, bypassing the whole nobody-helps-me charade.
So what does her behavior bring her? Clearly she gains attention; behold her starring role in a drama where she’s the can-do gal in a family of slackers, incompetents and ingrates.
Your possible remedies are limited; as you’ve witnessed yourself so often, she’ll change the terms midway through a chore to preserve her advantage. Do a chore poorly, do it better than she can, don’t do it at all — she can spin it into further proof of her dogged heroism.
It may seem counterintuitive, but one way to avoid feeding her narrative is to give her what she wants. It’s like steering into a skid: “You’re right, Mom, you do so much for us. Thank you.” Or, “Well, Mom, you’re the master! Of course I didn’t do it as well.” Yes, sarcasm-free.
This is a purposeful choice to work with, versus against, Mom’s neediness, and therefore allows you a measure of control — ideally in a way that preempts a counteroffensive of criticism from her.
Which, if it comes anyway, you deflect calmly: “You asked my help, I gave it, I won’t argue with you.”
If instead your mother builds her sense of self from the rubble of everyone else’s — which I fear is the case given that you feel discouraged — then I’ll add to my advice a caveat to offer those yes-Mom-you’re-right-Moms from the far end of an emotional 10-foot pole. Mom (or anyone else) can’t meet your needs when her every word and deed is rigged toward feeding her own needs. Hoping or expecting otherwise from such self-focused people is the source of so much pain.
“Tell Me About It” by Carolyn Hax appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Send your questions to tellme@washpost.com or fax 202-334-5669.
